You want a part of me? Well, Im not selling cheap

When I wake up, in my make up, it's too early for that dress.
...Beautiful garbage, beautiful dresses. Will you stand up? Or will you just fall down?


I could just copy and paste the whole song. And I probably will end up doing so, but not in order. I have always loved hole. Courtney has always reached a part of my soul and heart that no one else can. Im not on drugs, and hell, what SHE means, may not be what I get from it. But I get it. I feel like she took my life, my childhood, my hate, my love, my embarrassment, my joy, my attitude, my pride...put it in a song, and sang it to me. I dont always sing lullabies to Camila. Sometimes I sing her sad songs. Realistic songs. I dont remember many lullabies from my childhood, but my mom always taught me and influenced me to listen to music. I remember her playing Silvio Rodriguez. I don't remember where I was, what I wore, etc. I was too young. But I remember the music. I remember her awful singing. I knew she sang, and still sings like Scuttle (The Little Mermaid). But I remember the warmth, the safety, happiness and wholesomeness I felt. She knows that now.

I hope that I can give Camila the same memories. I hope that I can rise to the occasion. It doesn't matter to me, although appreciated, that others tell me I'm a good mother. I don't care to hear it from my husband, I don't care to hear it from my mother. When Camila smiles, when she wants to sleep with me, when she finds comfort in me, is all the confirmation that I am doing ok. I don't always wake up, and look forward to "another day at the house with the baby"... and those are the exact words when I open my eyes. With my mascara sticking to my eyelashed because I didn't get to shower the previous night... yet, 2 minutes into the day with her, all the negativity is gone. I WANT to spend the day with her. When 8pm comes around,the night starts settling in, and Camila is getting ready to sleep... I think to myself, "where did the day go? I am lucky I have tomorrow to keep going. To make up for what we didn't do today. For what I might have missed today. For what I didnt teach her today. For what I didnt show or say to her. Yes, tomorrow will be better!"